it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
