hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
