found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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