Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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