Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i now understand why vodka
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
