If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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