wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
