Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
