she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
