watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize