I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
