Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
