So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Randomize
