dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
