wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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