I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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