I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
