I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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