Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
