Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize