This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
