Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
