He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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