she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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