Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize