I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
