Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
