Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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