Need sex. Gaining weight.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
