I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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