I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize