note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
