Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
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