Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
