wat bout pragnant strippers??
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
