Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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