I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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