I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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