He uses pillows to masturbate.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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