At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
