I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
