Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
