my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Randomize
