cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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