I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
