"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
