i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
