You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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