whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
