I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
