Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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