Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
