So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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