Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
