I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
