i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
