She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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