he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
