GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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