It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
